Posts by Cornelius Sheehan
What to Expect from Couples Therapy
What to Expect from Couples Therapy: The Path to Healing and Connection
If you and your partner are considering couples therapy in Reno, you might have some questions about what it’s like, what to expect, and how it can help. At its core, couples therapy is about strengthening your relationship and helping you both feel more connected. In this article, I provide a brief overview of the process, focusing on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—a highly researched, non-judgmental and effective approach to strengthening and healing relationship.
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples?
EFT is a type of couples therapy grounded in the science of attachment, which describes how we bond with one another. Attachment science also describes what can happen when bonds rupture. It’s based on the idea that emotional connection is key to feeling accepted and cared for, and this in turn leads to lasting, fulfilling relationship. During EFT sessions, we’ll work together to identify and change patterns that keep you and your partner feeling disconnected. This isn’t about blame; instead, it’s about understanding each other’s needs and learning how to respond with care and compassion.
Expect EFT to focus on:
- Helping each partner feel safe and supported.
- Encouraging open, honest communication.
- Building a secure foundation for lasting change.
With EFT, you’ll learn to shift from reacting in frustration or silence to reaching out in a way that helps your partner feel seen and valued.
What Happens in a Couples Therapy Session?
In your first session, we’ll discuss what brought you both to therapy and what you hope to achieve. Don’t worry—there’s no “right” way to start. I’ll guide the process, and together, we’ll create a comfortable, respectful space for each of you to share your perspective.
Here’s a typical structure for couples therapy sessions:
- Identify Relationship Patterns: We’ll uncover the cycles that lead to conflict or distance. Understanding these patterns helps you both feel less stuck.
- Practice New Ways of Communicating: You’ll have the chance to learn and practice new communication skills, often in the form of guided conversations.
- Develop a Deeper Connection: Through honest, vulnerable conversations, you’ll work towards feeling more secure and connected.
For more on how these sessions flow, you can explore our detailed description of couples therapy here.
How Long Does it Take to See Results?
Everyone’s starting point and experience are unique, but most couples notice positive changes within the first few sessions. With EFT, it’s common to see significant shifts after about 8–12 sessions, depending on the issues at hand. Along the way, you’ll build trust in each other and confidence in your ability to work through challenges together. A full course of therapy with me is usually in the neighborhood of 18-22 sessions, spread out over time. That said, most of the couples I work with continue periodic meetings in order to have a place to work through impasses and importantly, reinforce successes!
Ready to Take the Next Step in Your Relationship?
Couples therapy can be a powerful way to rebuild and strengthen your connection. If you’re ready to explore how EFT can help, reach out to schedule a session. Visit www.csheehanjr.com to get started. Taking this step shows courage and a commitment to your relationship. Let’s work together to create the relationship you both want and deserve.
Meet Reno Therapist Kim Crandell, CPC-I
Kim Crandell – Therapist in Reno
Kim Crandell is a Clinical Professional Counselor Intern dedicated to guiding individuals, couples, and families through life’s challenges and transitions. Some clients have a specific preference for a male therapist in Reno, Kim can help. His expertise includes helping clients manage anxiety, loneliness, emotional stress, relationship difficulties, disconnection, and the complexities of retirement. Through personalized, client-centered care, Kim fosters healing, personal growth, and emotional well-being.
Kim integrates Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—a highly effective approach to relationship counseling—into his practice. For those seeking spiritual alignment, he also offers Christian faith-based support to complement clients’ personal beliefs and values.
Therapeutic Approach and Areas of Focus
Kim emphasizes the value of strong therapeutic alliances, which he believes are essential for achieving meaningful progress. By working collaboratively with clients, he helps them identify and break negative cycles, develop healthier behaviors, and foster lasting change.
He works with a diverse range of clients, including:
- Couples navigating relational challenges
- Adolescents and families addressing personal or family dynamics
- Executives and professionals managing stress in high-pressure careers
- Individuals facing personal transitions, grief, or emotional distress
Professional Experience and Collaboration
Kim brings more than 30 years of experience in healthcare leadership, including serving as a hospital CEO, which gives him unique insight into the demands of executive roles. His deep understanding of leadership challenges and high-stress environments equips him to provide effective emotional support to professionals managing chronic stress.
At Relationship Counseling Associates, Kim works closely with a multidisciplinary team to ensure comprehensive care, drawing on collaborative insights to meet clients’ unique needs.
Services Offered
Kim offers therapy to individuals aged 15 and older, with a standard session fee of $120. His services include:
- Individual therapy
- Couples counseling
- Family therapy
- Premarital counseling
- Parenting support and guidance
- Relationship coaching
- Professional development
Whether clients are working through marital conflict, career stress, family dynamics, grief, or personal growth, Kim creates a safe and empathetic space for transformation and healing.
Client-Centered Care Rooted in Attachment Science
Kim’s therapeutic approach is grounded in attachment science and guided by client-centered principles. His goal is to help clients develop self-awareness, self-acceptance, and emotional resilience, empowering them to build meaningful relationships through trust, empathy, and mutual respect.
Take the Next Step
Kim invites you to take the first step toward emotional well-being and relational health by following the link to schedule a free consultation. You can also call 775-235-2205 and learn more about working with Kim. He looks forward to partnering with you on your journey toward fulfillment, personal meaning, and deeper connections.
When Couples Therapy Misses the Mark: Why Some Approaches Can Worsen Conflict (and How EFT Offers a Solution)
Does Marriage Counseling Work? It Depends…
Introduction:
I read a forum post recently where the author was gathering opinions about, “does marriage counseling work?” My internal voice was, “well of course it does!!” But this isn’t always true: it depends on a number of factors. In this article I’m speaking to couples who are wondering whether marriage counseling works, and perhaps more importantly, whether it will make things worse. After all, if things are bad then at least doing nothing isn’t likely to make them worse, right? This is why I said, “it depends” in the subtitle.
In my years as an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I’ve had the privilege of guiding many couples through meaningful change and growth in their relationships. I’ve seen many couples reconnect and rediscover love and trust with EFT. However, I’ve also encountered situations where well-intentioned therapeutic interventions had inadvertently made existing challenges worse. Here’s an example:
I recall one couple, I’ll call them Sarah and Mark, who sought my help after months of behavioral-based couples therapy. They were nearing the end of their rope, their communication patterns mired in blame and defensiveness. Mark felt unheard and dismissed, while Sarah felt perpetually criticized. Their previous therapist had focused on instructing them regarding communication techniques, but this only seemed to intensify their conflicts. Each new “technique” became another tool for discord. Conflict began to center around who was at fault for not following the therapist’s instruction!
Sarah and Mark’s experience is unfortunately not uncommon. Many couples enter therapy seeking support, only to find themselves feeling more disconnected and discouraged. Our local Reno therapists, Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates, understand this potential risk.
The Challenges of Traditional Marriage Therapy
Often, traditional couples therapy can become mired in continually identifying problems and assigning blame. As Sue Johnson, the pioneer of EFT, aptly observes, “Many couples come to therapy talking about communication problems when what they really need is help with the underlying emotions driving those problems.” (1)
Instead of fostering understanding and connection, this approach can leave couples feeling increasingly isolated and misunderstood. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marital stability, echoes this concern: “Most couples therapy focuses on changing behaviors, but what really needs to change is the emotional connection.” (2)
Specific challenges of traditional couples therapy models include:
- The Blame Cycle: Some approaches inadvertently encourage partners to focus on each other’s perceived flaws, fostering criticism and defensiveness, which can further erode their bond.
- Surface-Level Focus: Traditional therapy may get caught up in the content of arguments, overlooking the deeper emotional needs fueling those conflicts. This is akin to addressing symptoms while neglecting the underlying cause.
- Neglecting Attachment Needs: Humans have an innate need for connection. When these needs are unmet, we often react with fear, anger, or insecurity. Traditional therapy may not always address these fundamental needs, leaving couples feeling alone and unsupported.
- One-Size-Fits-All Solutions: Many therapists rely on standardized techniques and interventions that may not resonate with the unique dynamics of each couple. This can lead to frustration and a sense of being misunderstood.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? EFT: A Path to Emotional Safety and Connection
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a different path. It recognizes that conflict is often a cry for connection, a desperate attempt to get our partner’s attention and feel loved and secure. In simple terms, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a roadmap to understanding and healing the emotional wounds that cause conflict in your relationship.
EFT guides couples through a process of:
- Uncovering Hidden Emotions: EFT helps you and your partner identify and express the deeper emotions that are often hidden beneath the surface of your arguments. These emotions might be fear, hurt, loneliness, or feeling unloved. Once these emotions are out in the open, you can start to make sense of them and address them.
- Creating a Safe Space: Your therapist will create a safe and supportive space where both of you can feel comfortable sharing your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism. This safe space is crucial for healing and building trust.
- Understanding Your “Dance”: EFT therapists help you recognize the negative patterns or “dances” you get stuck in during conflicts. These patterns often involve one person pursuing connection and the other withdrawing. Understanding this dance helps you break free from it.
- Changing Your Steps: With the therapist’s guidance, you’ll learn new ways to respond to each other’s emotional needs. This involves expressing your own needs more clearly and responding to your partner’s needs with empathy and understanding.
- Building a Stronger Bond: As you learn to communicate more openly and connect on a deeper emotional level, you’ll start to feel closer and more secure in your relationship. Trust and intimacy will grow, and you’ll be better equipped to handle challenges together.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Only if it gets to the root of distress
Think of EFT like learning a new language – the language of emotions. Instead of speaking in accusations and criticisms, you’ll learn to express your needs and feelings in a way that your partner can understand and respond to. This new way of communicating can transform your relationship from a battleground into a safe haven.
It takes time and effort to change deeply ingrained patterns. I saw this positive change unfold with Sarah and Mark. As we delved into their deeper emotions, they began to understand the pain and fear that fueled their conflicts. Mark realized that Sarah’s criticism stemmed from a fear of abandonment, while Sarah recognized that Mark’s withdrawal was a way of protecting himself from feeling hurt. As they learned to express their needs more vulnerably and respond with compassion, their relationship began to heal.
Very importantly, when Sarah and Mark found themselves stuck in their negative pattern at home, they had a strategy. They were able to slow things down and realize they were bogged down. This gave them an opportunity to regroup and talk in more emotionally vulnerable terms. Specifically, to describe how their respective criticism and defensiveness were reactions to feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
Conclusion:
Does marriage counseling work? Couples therapy can be a valuable tool for healing and growth, but only when it addresses the root of the problem: the emotional disconnection that drives conflict. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), as offered by practices like Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates in Reno, offers a roadmap for couples to navigate their emotional landscape, heal old wounds, and create a more secure and loving relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, choose wisely. This article outlines questions you might ask a prospective therapist. Your relationship is worth it.
Citations:
(1) Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge. (2) Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
Will My Insurance Cover Therapy? A Helpful Form
Emotional & Relationship Health Counseling Associates
Insurance Verification Form for Therapy Benefits
Why Verify Your Therapy Insurance Benefits?
A common question (view our FAQ’s here) we are asked at our therapy center in Reno is, “how do I know if my insurance covers therapy?” Understanding your insurance coverage for mental health services is an important step in making informed decisions about your care. This form will guide you through a conversation with your insurance company to help you understand your out-of-network benefits for therapy sessions.
Send us an email to receive a printable version of this form.
Before You Call:
- Gather your insurance card and any relevant policy information.
- Have a pen and paper ready to take notes.
- Be prepared to wait on hold or be transferred to different departments.
Call your insurance company at the Member/Customer Services line. They may ask for your patient ID number. Each insurance carrier organizes its phone menu options differently, but you should listen for the options of checking benefits and eligibility and checking mental or behavioral health benefits. If possible, choose to speak to a live representative. If this is not a menu option, you may be able to reach one by verbally asking for a representative or for customer service. You may be transferred before reaching the representative who can tell you your benefits. Note the date you call and the call reference number.
Client Name: _________________________
Date: _________________________
Insurance Company: _________________________
Member/Customer Service Phone Number: _________________________
Call Reference Number: _________________________
- Benefit Period: (The year your coverage is active) _________________________
- Out-of-Network, Outpatient Mental/Behavioral Health Benefits:
- Individual or Family Benefits (or both): _________________________
- Deductible:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Amount Met Towards Deductible:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Coinsurance Rate (Percentage patient pays): _________________________
- Out-of-Pocket Maximum:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Pre-Authorization Requirements: _________________________
- Claims Address: _________________________
Additional Notes: _________________________
How Do I Know if my Insurance Covers Therapy? An Example:
Let’s say the representative gives you these benefits:
Benefit period: 9/1/15-8/30/16
Deductible: $1,000 Amount met towards deductible: $300
Coinsurance rate: Insurance responsibility: 60% Patient responsibility: 40%
Out-of-pocket maximum: $5,000
Explanation:
These benefits are applicable during your benefit period. This means that on 9/1/16, a new benefit year begins. The benefit year is important to know because it tells you when the accumulation towards the deductible starts over. Many insurance companies will tell you the effective dates of the policy before they tell you the benefit period. This can be confusing, because both of them are dates and may be given at the beginning of the call, but make sure you ask for the benefit period specifically. You can ignore the effective dates for this worksheet.
Often, a deductible must be met before reimbursement is possible. In this example, that means that the patient has to spend $1,000 out of pocket before reimbursement can begin. Insurance companies will reimburse a percentage of the usual and customary fee for a therapy session. They will not tell you the usual and customary rate, but it is determined by typical session costs in your region. Often, this rate is lower than the actual fee you paid for your session.
The percentage of the usual and customary fee that the insurance company covers is known as the coinsurance rate. Be sure to find out what percentage the insurance company will cover and what percentage you will cover after the deductible is met. In this case, the insurance company will cover 60% of the fee after the deductible is met. For this example, let’s say the usual and customary rate is $100. The insurance company will send back $60 for every session after the deductible is met. The patient will have had 60% of the usual and customary rate reimbursed.
Your insurance company will put a limit on how much money you spend before they cover out-of-network mental health services at 100%. They will either limit the amount you pay out of pocket in general – the out-of-pocket maximum – or they will limit what you pay after the deductible as part of your coinsurance responsibility – the coinsurance maximum.
Emotional & Relationship Health Counseling Associates
Relationship Counseling / Therapists in Reno, NV
Special thanks to my friend and colleague, Dr. Laurie Watson, creator of the Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy program.
Meet Reno Therapist Hillary Harris, M.A. CPC-I
Meet Hillary Harris
Hi, I’m Hillary Harris, a Clinical Professional Counselor Intern, therapist in Reno. Whether you’re experiencing loneliness, misunderstanding, disconnection or unhealed wounds, I can help. I have specialized training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a gold-standard for relationship counseling. I also do attachment-based EFT for individuals (EFIT). Additionally, for those interested, I am also comfortable incorporating Christian faith-based principles to support the client’s personal values and belief.
Research consistently shows that a strong therapeutic relationship, also called the therapeutic alliance, is vital for successful treatment. My goal is to create a supportive and collaborative environment where we can build emotional and relationship resilience. Using my specialized training, I help clients identify and disrupt negative cycles to foster lasting change. I’m passionate about working with couples, first responders, military personnel, those experiencing relationship loss, and individuals with PTSD. Additionally, I am part of a highly-collaborative team and do regular case consultation with our Clinical Director, Cornelius Sheehan, LCSW and Clinical Lead, Amanda Stewart, LCSW.
My military experience gives me insight into the unique challenges of high-stress jobs with chronic exposure to intense content.
At Emotional and Relationship Health Counseling Associates, our team provides attentive and personalized support. If you’re searching for a therapist in Reno, call us. We can discuss our approach and see if we’re the right fit. We offer a free consultation.
My standard session fee is $120. Our team is here to help you navigate your challenges and support your healing and growth. Contact us today to schedule an appointment. This is your first step towards improving your emotional wellbeing and relationship health. I look forward to supporting you on the path of self-awareness, self-acceptance, joy, and meaning.
Ages 18-years+
Hillary Harris Specialties and Expertise
Hillary’s Top Specialties
- Relationship Issues
- Trauma and PTSD
Expertise
Veterans
Addiction
Anxiety
Codependency
Depression
Divorce
Family Conflict
First Responders
Grief
Life Transitions
Marital and Premarital
Spirituality
Stress
A Discussion of Family Therapy for Military Families
Con Sheehan, LCSW does attachment-based EFFT, Emotionally Focused Family Therapy in Reno. Con was recently a guest on the Communicate and Connect Podcast.
Ep. 50 with Con Sheehan on Emotionally Focused Family Therapy
In The Communicate and Connect Podcast for Military Relationships, marriage counselor Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky explains relationship science and discusses educational tips for improving your relationship and navigating military family life.
From Dr. Polinsky: “In this podcast you’ll find insights into how children cope with feelings of caregiver inaccessibility and how this can influence their behavior and life choices, including the risks of substance use. We also discuss specific challenges faced by military families, such as managing parental roles during deployment and the unique stresses that can impact both children and parents.
To aid our understanding, Con shares examples from his practice, focusing on creating a family environment where each member’s needs are understood and met. We’ll emphasize the importance of repair, availability, and intentional parenting—even discussing how therapy, even short-term, can be instrumental for families.”
Click here to learn more about family therapy in Reno with Con and his colleagues at Emotional & Relationship Health Counseling Associates.
Dr. Sue Johnson (1947-2024) revolutionized relationship therapy
Remembering Dr. Sue Johnson
If you’ve heard me describe the work I do or have been a student, you’ve heard me talk about Dr. Sue Johnson. I felt (continue to feel) an enormous loss with her passing, April 23rd. No individual was more important to the development of relationship therapy than Sue. Her work and writing were grounded in seeing people’s good intent and using emotional experience to bring it back online, no matter how deeply it was buried. Sue saw the good, AND at the same time did not tolerate bad-faith engagement. She was soft, slow and warm Dr. Sue in the video demonstrations of her work, but another Sue emerged when good-faith left the discussion. I loved these things about her!
I found my professional home with her.
My work was becoming centered in attachment theory when I met Sue in the clinical research and then in a book called, “The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy; Creating Connection,” in 2000. A few years later I met her very briefly in person at the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference in Anaheim, CA. I remember my sense of her being on this little island where emotion was prized, in a huge sea of cognitive-behavioral waters. Sue made so much sense! I was working frequently with court-mandated clients and “changing thinking” was NOT an effective mechanism for change, but it was the prescribed one. Focusing on emotional experience through an attachment lens proved to be the key to true change. Fortunately, years later, I found a formal path to learning EFT. My clinical work went to a place it never would have without Dr. Sue Johnson. A week doesn’t go by without me feeling deep gratitude for Sue and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Thanks to Sue, I could profoundly impact my clients’ lives in ways I never imagined when starting my career.
In this same professional home I met colleagues from around the world, some of whom are now amongst the most dear and important people in my life. They are family. I’m glad Sue knew how grateful we were for the connections she fostered – connections evident at EFT summits, trainings, and online.
Sue Johnson embodied what she taught.
I wasn’t a close, personal friend of Sue. But I did spend some time with her and did correspond with her periodically- and this always felt close and personal. You could feel her attentiveness and focus in a way that I can only describe as “honoring”. Sue engaged in this way, and I think this way of attending was a big part of what she helped therapist students find in their work. I’ll treasure my correspondence with her, the opportunity I had to do a live case consultation with her and my role in continuing to grow a community of EFT therapists in the Reno/Tahoe area.
My heart goes out to the Sue’s family, the people closest to her and other colleagues experiencing her loss. Sue’s work will not only live on, but will continue to be expanded upon and proliferate. Here is a link to an article in the Ottawa Citizen where you can learn more about Sue and her work.
Cover photo of Dr. Sue Johnson (PHOTO BY BRUNO SCHLUMBERGER /Postmedia)
Relationship Counseling in Reno: Repair, Connect, Strengthen
Relationship Counseling in Reno: Support for Healthy Relationships
Our therapists in Reno provide skilled relationship counseling, where individuals and couples can explore and enhance their emotional connections within the framework of attachment-science-based therapy.
What is Relationship Counseling?
Relationship counseling is an intentional, focused, structured process. One where clients engage with a therapist to dissect and address the nuances of their relationship. It’s a chance to look, without judgment or side-taking, at the emotional undercurrents that influence relationship functioning. In a safe, accepting therapeutic setting, couples experience articulating their feelings, listening and being listened to, and validating each other’s experiences. Very importantly, this process is not about assigning blame. Rather, it is about discovering, distilling and uncovering. Specifically, uncovering how each partner’s early experiences and the behaviors these experiences have shaped contribute to how they show up in relationship. It’s a step toward mutual understanding and empathy, providing a foundation for more authentic and supportive interactions. By participating in counseling, couples commit to a journey of self-discovery and joint growth, laying the groundwork for a more resilient and fulfilling partnership.
Benefits of Relationship Counseling
Improved Communication
One of the primary benefits of relationship counseling is the enhancement of communication skills. Counselors facilitate discussions that help partners articulate their needs, fears, and desires more clearly, fostering a deeper understanding. This process is crucial for breaking down walls of misunderstanding and building bridges of care. In this way couples learn not just to talk but to communicate with intention, listening not only to words but to the emotions and meanings beneath them. This heightened level of communication fosters a sense of closeness and trust, enabling partners to express themselves freely and understand each other on a more profound level.
Conflict Resolution Skills
Effective conflict resolution is another significant benefit of relationship counseling. With this aim, couples learn to approach disagreements with a mindset geared toward resolution and mutual understanding rather than victory. The counselor introduces strategies to de-escalate tensions, promote constructive dialogue, and explore underlying issues contributing to conflicts. This approach helps partners see conflicts as joint problems to solve rather than battles to win, shifting the dynamics from adversarial to collaborative. As couples develop these skills, they find that conflicts become less frequent and less intense, and they’re able to navigate disagreements with greater ease and understanding.
How Relationship Counseling Works
Understanding the Issues
The initial phase of relationship counseling involves delving into the couple’s history, individual backgrounds, and the specific challenges they face. This exploration is guided by the principles of attachment-science-based therapy, which emphasizes the importance of secure emotional bonds. The therapist helps the couple identify patterns of interaction that may be rooted in their attachment styles, offering insights into how these patterns influence their relationship. This phase is crucial for setting the stage for meaningful change, as it lays bare the dynamics that need addressing. By gaining a comprehensive understanding of the issues at hand, couples and therapists can collaboratively devise a path forward that honors each partner’s needs and the relationship’s potential for growth.
Developing Action Plans
With a clear understanding of the relationship’s dynamics, couples move on to developing actionable strategies to address their challenges. These plans are tailored to the couple’s unique situation, focusing on fostering secure, supportive interactions based on attachment science. Goals always include enhancing emotional availability, improving responsiveness, and creating a more secure attachment bond. The therapist works closely with the couple, providing guidance, support, and feedback as they experiment with new ways of relating to each other. This phase is dynamic and interactive, with the therapist adapting strategies as the couple evolves, ensuring that the action plans remain relevant and effective in promoting healthy, lasting changes in the relationship.
Finding the Right Counselor
Selecting a therapist who aligns with your values and understands the nuances of your relationship is pivotal. In Reno, where we practice attachment-science-based therapy, we have a team of counselors with expertise in working with relationships. Our approach at Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates, focuses on building and reinforcing secure attachment bonds, a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. When choosing a counselor, consider their background in attachment theory, their experience with couples, and their approach to therapy. It’s often helpful to schedule an initial consultation to gauge the therapist’s compatibility with your needs and to discuss your goals for counseling. The right therapist should provide a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable and supported, fostering open communication and genuine progress in the relationship. In this supportive environment, couples can explore their dynamics, address their challenges, and work collaboratively towards a stronger, more connected partnership. Contact us at 775-235-2205 for a free consultation.
Questions To Ask a Therapist Before You Start
Starting couple’s therapy is a significant step towards improving your relationship. However, finding the right therapist for you and your partner can be difficult. It requires an evaluation process, for which you need the right criteria. You want confidence that the therapist’s expertise aligns with your specific needs. A prospective therapist should be willing to do a brief consultation before you begin working together. Below, I’ve shared a list of what experience has taught me are some of the most important questions to ask a therapist you’re considering working with. I’ve divided the questions into three categories: 1) A Therapist’s qualifications. 2) The therapist’s theoretical perspective on relationship distress, and on wellness. 3) The therapist’s process.
Here is a checklist of questions you might ask during a consultation with a potential new couple therapist to find out if they’re right for you:
Couple Therapist Qualifications
Experience and Professional Engagement
“Approximately what percentage of your practice over the last two years has been dedicated to working with couples?” And, “do you have a regular consultation process wherein you discuss your work?” These questions aim to assess the therapist’s dedication to couples therapy. A therapist applying techniques learned for individual therapy to the complexities of a couple’s dynamics can fall far short of what a relationship needs.
Specialized Couple Therapy Training and Qualifications
“What specific training in couples therapy have you undertaken?” Exploring their specialized training provides insight into their qualifications and dedication, facilitating the process of finding the right therapist for you. Prospective therapists should be able to describe application of a method of therapy relative to their training. An EFT Couple Therapist can describe their process in a detailed fashion.
“Do you have specific training regarding difficulties related to sexuality?” This is an important question for couples struggling with problems relating to sexuality to ask.
Feedback and Evaluation Process
“How do you provide feedback and evaluate progress in therapy?” This question allows couples to understand how the therapist assesses progress and navigates therapeutic milestones. A transparent feedback mechanism is vital for ensuring that therapy remains aligned with the couple’s goals and for making necessary adjustments to the therapeutic approach.
Couple Therapist’s Theoretical Orientation
Therapist’s Theoretical Orientation
“What theoretical perspective guides your work with couples?” It is essential that the therapist operates from a solid theoretical foundation, such as Attachment Theory, which is at the heart of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). The approach a therapist takes should be grounded in solid theory. Also, there should be a structured methodology to effectively address relationship distress.
Does the Therapist Understand When NOT to Do Couple Counseling?
“What are the Contraindications to Couple Therapy?” A prospective therapist should be clear about this. They should describe when the type of couple’s therapy they do might not be the best choice or should be approached with caution. Common contraindications follow: Severe mental illness and substance use disorders that interfere with participation. Misaligned agendas for therapy. Ongoing affairs that threaten a partner’s sense of security. Also, a risk of violence that prohibits vulnerability. In some cases, addressing the contraindicating issue (such as through individual therapy, addiction treatment, or safety planning) can make couple therapy like EFT a viable option later on.
Therapist’s Focus: Emotional Connection or Behavioral Contracts?
“How important is the emotional bond versus behavioral contracts in your approach to couple dynamics?” Herein, a therapist who emphasizes strengthening the emotional connection addresses the core issues of relationship distress effectively. The late Dr. Sue Johnson’s insight, “it’s about the bond, not a bargain,” poignantly captures the essence of couple therapy.
Perspective on Enhancing Communication Skills
“How do you work to enhance communication skills in your therapy sessions?” Ideally, the therapist’s approach should highlight the importance of fostering trust that your partner is available, responsive and emotionally engaged. By contrast, a focus on mere communication techniques can interfere with the depth of understanding in the relationship. “I statements” and similar “communication tips” don’t come online readily when intense emotion gets stirred. This is a very important distinction in finding the right therapist for you.
Couple Therapist’s Process
Expectations for Therapy Duration and Frequency
“What are your expectations for the duration and frequency of therapy sessions?” This question helps set realistic expectations for the therapy process. For example, you want to understand how long it might take to see improvements and how often sessions will occur. Therapy is a significant investment. It’s crucial for planning and commitment to the therapeutic journey that you know what to expect.
Strategies for Enhancing Connection Outside Therapy
“What strategies do you recommend for couples to enhance their connection outside of therapy sessions?” A therapist who offers practical tools, exercises and resources for couples to work on between sessions demonstrates a proactive approach to therapy. This can help accelerate progress by encouraging partners to actively engage outside the therapeutic setting.
Approach to Individual Sessions
“Do you conduct individual sessions with partners?” Generally, therapy should involve both partners, with individual sessions reserved for specific assessment purposes. This approach reflects the therapist’s commitment to treating the relationship as the central client. Further, you probably don’t have the right therapist for you if they don’t have a clear policy about how to treat informations shared during individual sessions!
Ensuring Impartiality
“How do you maintain impartiality in your sessions?” Asking this question probes the therapist’s strategy for navigating complex couple dynamics. Thereby, ensuring they view the relationship as an interconnected system. I think it’s so important to feel confident about a prospective therapist’s answer to this question. This is because the experience of therapist bias toward one partner is a primary reason clients cite for therapy “failing.”
Summary: Finding the Right Therapist for You
Selecting the right couple therapist is a process. Importantly, one that requires careful consideration and inquiry. The list of questions provided herein are designed to provide meaningful insights. Specifically, insights into a therapist’s approach, philosophy, and their suitability for navigating the complexities of your relationship. We invite your questions and offer a no-cost, confidential consultation.
I hope this approach helps ensure you get couple counseling underway with the right therapist. Ideally, you’ll be with a compassionate, well-trained professional who provides a clear vision of process and goals. And of course, one who can effectively support and guide you through the challenges and opportunities of strengthening your relationship.
“The Science of Relationships: Healing, Emotion, & Connection with Drs. Sue Johnson & Jim Furrow”
“With & For“, a podcast hosted by Dr. Pam King.
This is a wonderfully warm and informative program where Sue and Jim discuss the core importance of relationship, and improving relationship. The following topics are covered:
• Living in a way this is, “fully alive.”
• How to bring together the spectrum of emotional realities with our lived experience
• Today’s loneliness epidemic; what to do about it
• The importance of empathy and caring in the healing process
• What is attachment science? And, the role of attachment figures in thriving relationships
• Improving relationships: therapeutic and relational practices that lead to security, a sense of worth, and competence in life.
From the show host: “Our society doesn’t want to hear about how interdependent we are—doesn’t want to hear that if we want to thrive, we have to put people first and we have to create community. And people need connection with others like they need oxygen. If you create a world where that connection isn’t very available or it all happens on a screen, you are going to have huge problems. You are going to have huge problems with depression, anxiety, suicide, emptiness—people are going to make terrible choices.” (Sue Johnson) We need each other. We are relational beings, and our thriving—or languishing—often hinges on relationships. In this episode, psychologists Sue Johnson and Jim Furrow not only explain why relationships are so important, they offer practical advice on how to pursue healing, emotional regulation, and lasting thriving in all kinds of relationships. Sue Johnson is the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the gold standard in tested, proven interventions of couples and author of many books including Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Jim Furrow is a marriage and family therapist and an internationally renowned trainer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. This conversation goes from profound to practical, covering the biological and psychological science to explain why belonging gives way to becoming. We discuss the rampant emptiness and loneliness, fear, and depression people today experience and the connection between relationships and a sense of meaning in life. Sue and Jim also provide a framework for how to understand your attachment style and the way it impacts your relational health. And they discuss the practical ways we can grow and change so that we can engage in and sustain fulfilling and life giving relationships.”
Our EFT relationship therapists in Reno will help you learn more about improving relationships. Contact us for a free consultation.