Posts by Cornelius Sheehan
When Couples Therapy Misses the Mark: Why Some Approaches Can Worsen Conflict (and How EFT Offers a Solution)
Does Marriage Counseling Work? It Depends…
Introduction:
I read a forum post recently where the author was gathering opinions about, “does marriage counseling work?” My internal voice was, “well of course it does!!” But this isn’t always true: it depends on a number of factors. In this article I’m speaking to couples who are wondering whether marriage counseling works, and perhaps more importantly, whether it will make things worse. After all, if things are bad then at least doing nothing isn’t likely to make them worse, right? This is why I said, “it depends” in the subtitle.
In my years as an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I’ve had the privilege of guiding many couples through meaningful change and growth in their relationships. I’ve seen many couples reconnect and rediscover love and trust with EFT. However, I’ve also encountered situations where well-intentioned therapeutic interventions had inadvertently made existing challenges worse. Here’s an example:
I recall one couple, I’ll call them Sarah and Mark, who sought my help after months of behavioral-based couples therapy. They were nearing the end of their rope, their communication patterns mired in blame and defensiveness. Mark felt unheard and dismissed, while Sarah felt perpetually criticized. Their previous therapist had focused on instructing them regarding communication techniques, but this only seemed to intensify their conflicts. Each new “technique” became another tool for discord. Conflict began to center around who was at fault for not following the therapist’s instruction!
Sarah and Mark’s experience is unfortunately not uncommon. Many couples enter therapy seeking support, only to find themselves feeling more disconnected and discouraged. Our local Reno therapists, Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates, understand this potential risk.
The Challenges of Traditional Marriage Therapy
Often, traditional couples therapy can become mired in continually identifying problems and assigning blame. As Sue Johnson, the pioneer of EFT, aptly observes, “Many couples come to therapy talking about communication problems when what they really need is help with the underlying emotions driving those problems.” (1)
Instead of fostering understanding and connection, this approach can leave couples feeling increasingly isolated and misunderstood. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marital stability, echoes this concern: “Most couples therapy focuses on changing behaviors, but what really needs to change is the emotional connection.” (2)
Specific challenges of traditional couples therapy models include:
- The Blame Cycle: Some approaches inadvertently encourage partners to focus on each other’s perceived flaws, fostering criticism and defensiveness, which can further erode their bond.
- Surface-Level Focus: Traditional therapy may get caught up in the content of arguments, overlooking the deeper emotional needs fueling those conflicts. This is akin to addressing symptoms while neglecting the underlying cause.
- Neglecting Attachment Needs: Humans have an innate need for connection. When these needs are unmet, we often react with fear, anger, or insecurity. Traditional therapy may not always address these fundamental needs, leaving couples feeling alone and unsupported.
- One-Size-Fits-All Solutions: Many therapists rely on standardized techniques and interventions that may not resonate with the unique dynamics of each couple. This can lead to frustration and a sense of being misunderstood.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? EFT: A Path to Emotional Safety and Connection
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a different path. It recognizes that conflict is often a cry for connection, a desperate attempt to get our partner’s attention and feel loved and secure. In simple terms, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a roadmap to understanding and healing the emotional wounds that cause conflict in your relationship.
EFT guides couples through a process of:
- Uncovering Hidden Emotions: EFT helps you and your partner identify and express the deeper emotions that are often hidden beneath the surface of your arguments. These emotions might be fear, hurt, loneliness, or feeling unloved. Once these emotions are out in the open, you can start to make sense of them and address them.
- Creating a Safe Space: Your therapist will create a safe and supportive space where both of you can feel comfortable sharing your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism. This safe space is crucial for healing and building trust.
- Understanding Your “Dance”: EFT therapists help you recognize the negative patterns or “dances” you get stuck in during conflicts. These patterns often involve one person pursuing connection and the other withdrawing. Understanding this dance helps you break free from it.
- Changing Your Steps: With the therapist’s guidance, you’ll learn new ways to respond to each other’s emotional needs. This involves expressing your own needs more clearly and responding to your partner’s needs with empathy and understanding.
- Building a Stronger Bond: As you learn to communicate more openly and connect on a deeper emotional level, you’ll start to feel closer and more secure in your relationship. Trust and intimacy will grow, and you’ll be better equipped to handle challenges together.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Only if it gets to the root of distress
Think of EFT like learning a new language – the language of emotions. Instead of speaking in accusations and criticisms, you’ll learn to express your needs and feelings in a way that your partner can understand and respond to. This new way of communicating can transform your relationship from a battleground into a safe haven.
It takes time and effort to change deeply ingrained patterns. I saw this positive change unfold with Sarah and Mark. As we delved into their deeper emotions, they began to understand the pain and fear that fueled their conflicts. Mark realized that Sarah’s criticism stemmed from a fear of abandonment, while Sarah recognized that Mark’s withdrawal was a way of protecting himself from feeling hurt. As they learned to express their needs more vulnerably and respond with compassion, their relationship began to heal.
Very importantly, when Sarah and Mark found themselves stuck in their negative pattern at home, they had a strategy. They were able to slow things down and realize they were bogged down. This gave them an opportunity to regroup and talk in more emotionally vulnerable terms. Specifically, to describe how their respective criticism and defensiveness were reactions to feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
Conclusion:
Does marriage counseling work? Couples therapy can be a valuable tool for healing and growth, but only when it addresses the root of the problem: the emotional disconnection that drives conflict. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), as offered by practices like Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates in Reno, offers a roadmap for couples to navigate their emotional landscape, heal old wounds, and create a more secure and loving relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, choose wisely. This article outlines questions you might ask a prospective therapist. Your relationship is worth it.
Citations:
(1) Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge. (2) Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
Will My Insurance Cover Therapy? A Helpful Form
Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates
Insurance Verification Form for Therapy Benefits
Why Verify Your Therapy Insurance Benefits?
A common question (view our FAQ’s here) we are asked at our therapy center in Reno is, “will my insurance cover therapy?” Understanding your insurance coverage for mental health services is an important step in making informed decisions about your care. This form will guide you through a conversation with your insurance company to help you understand your out-of-network benefits for therapy sessions.
Send us an email to receive a printable version of this form.
Before You Call:
- Gather your insurance card and any relevant policy information.
- Have a pen and paper ready to take notes.
- Be prepared to wait on hold or be transferred to different departments.
Call your insurance company at the Member/Customer Services line. They may ask for your patient ID number. Each insurance carrier organizes its phone menu options differently, but you should listen for the options of checking benefits and eligibility and checking mental or behavioral health benefits. If possible, choose to speak to a live representative. If this is not a menu option, you may be able to reach one by verbally asking for a representative or for customer service. You may be transferred before reaching the representative who can tell you your benefits. Note the date you call and the call reference number.
Client Name: _________________________
Date: _________________________
Insurance Company: _________________________
Member/Customer Service Phone Number: _________________________
Call Reference Number: _________________________
- Benefit Period: (The year your coverage is active) _________________________
- Out-of-Network, Outpatient Mental/Behavioral Health Benefits:
- Individual or Family Benefits (or both): _________________________
- Deductible:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Amount Met Towards Deductible:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Coinsurance Rate (Percentage patient pays): _________________________
- Out-of-Pocket Maximum:
- Individual: _________________________
- Family: _________________________
- Pre-Authorization Requirements: _________________________
- Claims Address: _________________________
Additional Notes: _________________________
Will My Insurance Cover Therapy? An Example:
Let’s say the representative gives you these benefits:
Benefit period: 9/1/15-8/30/16
Deductible: $1,000 Amount met towards deductible: $300
Coinsurance rate: Insurance responsibility: 60% Patient responsibility: 40%
Out-of-pocket maximum: $5,000
Explanation:
These benefits are applicable during your benefit period. This means that on 9/1/16, a new benefit year begins. The benefit year is important to know because it tells you when the accumulation towards the deductible starts over. Many insurance companies will tell you the effective dates of the policy before they tell you the benefit period. This can be confusing, because both of them are dates and may be given at the beginning of the call, but make sure you ask for the benefit period specifically. You can ignore the effective dates for this worksheet.
Deductible Amounts:
Often, a deductible must be met before reimbursement is possible. In this example, that means that the patient has to spend $1,000 out of pocket before reimbursement can begin. Insurance companies will reimburse a percentage of the usual and customary fee for a therapy session. They will not tell you the usual and customary rate, but it is determined by typical session costs in your region. Often, this rate is lower than the actual fee you paid for your session.
The percentage of the usual and customary fee that the insurance company covers is known as the coinsurance rate. Be sure to find out what percentage the insurance company will cover and what percentage you will cover after the deductible is met. In this case, the insurance company will cover 60% of the fee after the deductible is met. For this example, let’s say the usual and customary rate is $100. The insurance company will send back $60 for every session after the deductible is met. The patient will have had 60% of the usual and customary rate reimbursed.
Your Out-Of-Pocket Maximum
Your insurance company will put a limit on how much money you spend before they cover out-of-network mental health services at 100%. They will either limit the amount you pay out of pocket in general – the out-of-pocket maximum – or they will limit what you pay after the deductible as part of your coinsurance responsibility – the coinsurance maximum.
If you still need help with, “will my insurance cover therapy?” call us.
Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates
Relationship Counseling / Therapists in Reno, NV
Special thanks to my friend and colleague, Dr. Laurie Watson, creator of the Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy program.
Meet Reno Therapist Hillary Harris, CPC-I
Meet Hillary Harris, Therapist in Reno
Hi, I’m Hillary Harris, a Clinical Professional Counselor Intern and therapist in Reno. For those looking to integrate faith into their therapy, I’m comfortable incorporating Christian principles to support your values and beliefs.
How I Can Help
I work with individuals and couples who are feeling stuck in cycles of loneliness, disconnection, or unresolved emotional pain. My general goal is twofold. First, to create a safe space where you feel understood and supported. Second, to gain greater clarity, self-acceptance and movement toward the things that matter most to you.
My Approach
Specialty Areas:
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): A proven approach to strengthening relationships and resolving conflict.
- Attachment-Based EFT for Individuals (EFIT): Focused on helping you heal and grow as an individual.
- Brainspotting: A powerful, focused treatment method designed to help process trauma and access deep emotional healing.
A strong connection between therapist and client is essential for therapy to work. Learn more about the importance of the therapy working alliance here. Together, we’ll explore the patterns that are keeping you stuck and find ways to create lasting change.
Who I Work With
I’m especially passionate about working with:
- Couples wanting to rebuild connection and trust. Read more about couples therapy here.
- First responders and military personnel navigating high-stress environments.
- Individuals coping with relationship loss or the effects of trauma. Read more about individual therapy here.
I have extensive, past experience as a military spouse with children. This experience has given me insight into the unique challenges faced by people in high-stakes, high-stress roles, and I bring that understanding into my work. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a well-researched model for helping military couples and families. I’ll be happy to talk with you about your specific circumstances and how I can help.
What to Expect
At Individual and Relationship Counseling Associates, we focus on providing compassionate, focused, personalized care. I’m part of a dedicated, collaborative team and regularly consult with our Clinical Director, Cornelius Sheehan, LCSW, to ensure I’m offering the best possible support for my clients.
Session Details
- Fee: $120 per session with a sliding scale.
- Insurance Accepted: Hometown Health Plan
- Ages Served: 18 and older
Hillary’s Areas of Expertise
- Relationship Issues
- Trauma and PTSD
- Veterans
- Addiction
- Anxiety
- Codependency
- Depression
- Divorce
- Family Conflict
- First Responders
- Grief
- Life Transitions
- Marital and Premarital Counseling
- Spirituality
- Stress
More About Hillary
I’m a mom of three teens and a sweet therapy dog, Ginger. When I’m not in the therapy room I’m usually enjoying one of the beautiful outdoor opportunities that are a part of living in Northern Nevada.
Get Started in Therapy with Hillary Harris
I’m here to help you navigate the challenges you’re facing and support your journey toward emotional health and stronger relationships. Let’s work together to help you move forward. Call now, or use our contact form for a free consultation.
A Discussion of Family Therapy for Military Families
What to Expect from the Episode
Dr. Polinsky explains the profound impact of caregiver accessibility on children, shedding light on how feelings of emotional disconnection can influence behaviors, life choices, and even risks like substance use. She and Con delve into the complexities of military family life, discussing challenges such as navigating parental roles during deployment and coping with the stressors unique to military culture.
Key Insights from Con Sheehan
Con shares real-life examples from his EFFT practice, emphasizing the importance of creating a secure family environment where every member’s emotional needs are acknowledged and met. He highlights actionable strategies such as:
- The role of repair in strengthening family bonds.
- How availability and intentional parenting can counteract the effects of stress and disconnection.
- The benefits of even short-term therapy in helping military families thrive.
Therapy for military families in Reno, NV with Con Sheehan, LCSW. Con does attachment-based EFFT, Emotionally Focused Family Therapy in Reno. He was recently a guest on the Communicate and Connect Podcast.
Ep. 50 with Con Sheehan on Emotionally Focused Family Therapy
In The Communicate and Connect Podcast for Military Relationships, marriage counselor Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky explains relationship science and discusses educational tips for improving your relationship and navigating military family life.
From Dr. Polinsky: “In this podcast you’ll find insights into how children cope with feelings of caregiver inaccessibility and how this can influence their behavior and life choices, including the risks of substance use. We also discuss specific challenges faced by military families, such as managing parental roles during deployment and the unique stresses that can impact both children and parents.
To aid our understanding, Con shares examples from his practice, focusing on creating a family environment where each member’s needs are understood and met. We’ll emphasize the importance of repair, availability, and intentional parenting—even discussing how therapy, even short-term, can be instrumental for families.”
Click here to learn more about family therapy in Reno with Con and his colleagues at Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates.
Therapist Dr. Sue Johnson (1947-2024) revolutionized relationship counseling
Remembering Dr. Sue Johnson
If you’ve heard me describe the work I do or have been a student, you’ve heard me talk about therapist, Dr. Sue Johnson. I felt (continue to feel) an enormous loss with her passing, April 23rd. No individual was more important to the development of relationship therapy than her. Sue Johnson’s therapy innovations changed everything. Her work and writing were grounded in seeing people’s good intent and using emotional experience to bring it back online, no matter how deeply it was buried. Sue saw the good, AND at the same time did not tolerate bad-faith engagement. She was soft, slow and warm therapist, Dr. Sue Johnson in the video demonstrations of her work, but another Sue emerged when good-faith left the discussion. I loved these things about her!
I found my professional home with her.
My work was becoming centered in attachment theory when I met Sue in the clinical research and then in a book called, “The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy; Creating Connection,” in 2000. A few years later I met her very briefly in person at the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference in Anaheim, CA. I remember my sense of her being on this little island where emotion was prized, in a huge sea of cognitive-behavioral waters. Sue made so much sense! I was working frequently with court-mandated clients and “changing thinking” was NOT an effective mechanism for change, but it was the prescribed one. Focusing on emotional experience through an attachment lens proved to be the key to true change. Fortunately, years later, I found a formal path to learning EFT. My clinical work went to a place it never would have without Dr. Sue Johnson. A week doesn’t go by without me feeling deep gratitude for Sue and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Thanks to Sue, I could profoundly impact my clients’ lives in ways I never imagined when starting my career.
In this same professional home I met colleagues from around the world, some of whom are now amongst the most dear and important people in my life. They are family. I’m glad Sue knew how grateful we were for the connections she fostered – connections evident at EFT summits, trainings, and online.
Sue Johnson embodied what she taught.
I wasn’t a close, personal friend of Sue. But I did spend some time with her and did correspond with her periodically- and this always felt close and personal. You could feel her attentiveness and focus in a way that I can only describe as “honoring”. Sue engaged in this way, and I think this way of attending was a big part of what she helped therapist students find in their work. I’ll treasure my correspondence with her. Also, the opportunity I had to do a live case consultation with her. And of course, my role in continuing to grow a community of EFT therapists in the Reno/Tahoe area. Our local community is recognized by the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the learning institute Sue and colleagues founded. You can disover more about learning EFT in Reno, here.
My heart goes out to the Sue’s family, the people closest to her and other colleagues experiencing her loss. Sue’s work will not only live on, but will continue to be expanded upon and proliferate. Here is a link to an article in the Ottawa Citizen where you can learn more about Sue and her work.
Cover photo of Dr. Sue Johnson (PHOTO BY BRUNO SCHLUMBERGER /Postmedia)
Relationship Counseling in Reno: Repair, Connect, Strengthen
About Relationship Counseling in Reno: Support for Healthy Relationships
Our therapists in Reno offer skilled relationship counseling to help individuals and couples strengthen emotional connections using attachment-based therapy.
What is Relationship Counseling?
Relationship counseling is a focused process where clients work with a therapist to address relationship challenges without judgment. It allows couples to explore emotional undercurrents affecting their relationship. In a safe space, couples learn to express feelings, listen, and validate each other’s experiences. Counseling isn’t about assigning blame but uncovering behaviors shaped by early experiences. These insights help couples understand each other better and foster empathy. It provides a path for deeper, supportive, and authentic interactions. Couples commit to self-discovery and growth, creating a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.
Benefits of Relationship Counseling
Improved Communication
Relationship counseling improves communication skills. Counselors help partners express needs, fears, and desires, fostering better understanding and connection. This deeper communication helps couples not just talk but truly listen to the emotions behind words. Improved communication builds trust and closeness, strengthening the bond between partners.
Conflict Resolution Skills
Effective conflict resolution is a key benefit. Couples learn to approach disagreements collaboratively, not adversarially. Counselors teach strategies to reduce tensions, promote dialogue, and address root issues. These skills make conflicts less frequent and easier to navigate, fostering understanding and harmony.
How Relationship Counseling Works
Understanding the Issues
The process begins by exploring the couple’s history, individual backgrounds, and specific challenges. Therapists use attachment-based principles to guide understanding. Couples identify patterns rooted in attachment styles and learn how they affect relationships. This exploration sets the stage for meaningful change by clarifying dynamics that need attention.
Developing Action Plans
Couples then develop actionable strategies tailored to their needs. These focus on fostering secure, supportive connections and improving emotional availability. Therapists provide guidance and feedback, ensuring strategies evolve as couples grow. These action plans help establish lasting, healthy relationship changes.
Finding the Right Counselor
Choosing the right counselor is crucial. We will help. Our Reno therapists specialize in attachment-science-based therapy to build secure emotional bonds. Consider a therapist’s background, experience, and approach. An initial consultation helps ensure compatibility and aligns therapy with your goals. Contact us at 775-235-2205 for a free consultation. Our supportive environment promotes open communication and progress toward a stronger partnership. Visit Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates to learn more.
“The Science of Relationships: Healing, Emotion, & Connection with Drs. Sue Johnson & Jim Furrow”
“With & For“, a podcast hosted by Dr. Pam King.
This is a wonderfully warm and informative program where Sue and Jim discuss the core importance of relationship, and how to improve relationships. The following topics are covered:
• Living in a way this is, “fully alive.”
• How to bring together the spectrum of emotional realities with our lived experience
• Today’s loneliness epidemic; what to do about it
• The importance of empathy and caring in the healing process
• What is attachment science? And, the role of attachment figures in thriving relationships
• Improving relationships: therapeutic and relational practices that lead to security, a sense of worth, and competence in life.
How to improve relationships. From the show host: “Our society doesn’t want to hear about how interdependent we are—doesn’t want to hear that if we want to thrive, we have to put people first and we have to create community. And people need connection with others like they need oxygen. If you create a world where that connection isn’t very available or it all happens on a screen, you are going to have huge problems. You are going to have huge problems with depression, anxiety, suicide, emptiness—people are going to make terrible choices.” (Sue Johnson) We need each other. We are relational beings, and our thriving—or languishing—often hinges on relationships. In this episode, psychologists Sue Johnson and Jim Furrow not only explain why relationships are so important, they offer practical advice on how to pursue healing, emotional regulation, and lasting thriving in all kinds of relationships. Sue Johnson is the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the gold standard in tested, proven interventions of couples and author of many books including Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Jim Furrow is a marriage and family therapist and an internationally renowned trainer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. This conversation goes from profound to practical, covering the biological and psychological science to explain why belonging gives way to becoming. We discuss the rampant emptiness and loneliness, fear, and depression people today experience and the connection between relationships and a sense of meaning in life. Sue and Jim also provide a framework for how to understand your attachment style and the way it impacts your relational health. And they discuss the practical ways we can grow and change so that we can engage in and sustain fulfilling and life giving relationships.”
Our EFT relationship therapists in Reno will help you learn more about how to improve your relationships. Contact us for a free consultation.
“Side by Side: Navigating OCD Treatment with EFT Couple Counseling”
Last week I did a presentation on what I was very surprised to find is an under-recognized area of OCD treatment: the impact of attachment theory on relationships affected by OCD. Thrive Wellness co-sponsored an OCD Symposium in Reno that provided the opportunity to discuss OCD from a relational perspective. This article shares (in broad strokes) some key points from the presentation. In the “conclusions” section I focus on specific ways Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can support couples facing the challenges posed by OCD in a connected, teamed-up way.
Understanding OCD within the Relationship Context
OCD’s influence on relationships extends beyond the individual symptoms of compulsions and obsessions. It can disrupt the normal flow of emotional connectivity and communication, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
Assessment and Education
The therapeutic process begins with assessing the specific ways OCD affects the relationship and educating both partners about the disorder. This foundational step helps demystify OCD and sets the stage for collaborative problem-solving.
Identifying Patterns
Identifying negative interaction patterns is crucial to improving your relationship. For instance, compulsive behaviors might lead to frustration in one partner, resulting in a cycle of withdrawal and disconnection. Recognizing these dynamics allows couples to start addressing them.
Facilitating Emotional Engagement
Creating a Safe Space: A core aspect of EFT is creating a safe environment for both partners. This involves encouraging openness and vulnerability, especially for the partner with OCD, to share their fears and needs without fear of judgment.
Expressing Emotions: The therapist guides both partners in expressing their feelings related to the OCD symptoms, uncovering often-hidden emotions like isolation or resentment. This step is vital for understanding each other’s experiences.
Reframing the Problem: Viewing OCD as a shared challenge rather than a source of division is a powerful reframing technique. It encourages a united approach to managing the disorder’s impact on the relationship.
Enhancing Connection and Understanding
Through guided conversations, the therapy helps deepen the emotional connection. The partner with OCD explores and expresses their deeper fears, while the other partner learns to articulate their emotional experiences, leading to a strengthened bond.
Promoting Acceptance and Building New Patterns
Accepting the presence of OCD in relationship while working on effective management strategies is a delicate but necessary balance. The therapist works with the couple to develop new responses to OCD symptoms that foster connection rather than disconnection.
Consolidating Gains
Therapeutic progress is solidified by experiencing and discussing new ways of interacting outside of therapy sessions. This step is crucial for ensuring that the relationship continues to grow stronger, even in the face of OCD.
Collaborative Approach with Individual Therapy
A collaborative approach, involving coordination with the partner’s individual OCD treatment, ensures that therapy addresses both the couple’s relationship dynamics and the individual’s OCD management.
Conclusion
The OCD Symposium in Reno served as a valuable forum for discussing the integration of attachment theory into the treatment of OCD-affected relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy offers a framework for couples to navigate OCD’s challenges, emphasizing the importance of a secure emotional bond and effective communication.
Here’s how EFT could be effective for couples where one or both partners have OCD:
- Improving Communication: EFT helps couples communicate more effectively, especially about sensitive issues like the impact of OCD on their relationship. It encourages partners to express their feelings and needs more openly and empathetically.
- Enhancing Emotional Support: By focusing on emotional attachment, EFT helps partners become more responsive to each other’s needs. For someone with OCD, having a supportive partner who understands their struggles can be crucial for managing symptoms.
- Reducing Relationship Stress: OCD can add significant stress to a relationship, which can exacerbate OCD symptoms. EFT aims to reduce relationship tensions by improving emotional connection, which can, in turn, create a more supportive environment for managing OCD.
- Building a Secure Attachment: A secure attachment can provide a solid foundation for individuals with OCD to face their fears and engage in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapies more effectively. Knowing they have a supportive and understanding partner can make facing OCD challenges less daunting.
- Improving Coping Strategies: Couples can learn to identify and modify maladaptive coping strategies that may be reinforcing OCD symptoms. EFT encourages healthier ways of coping with emotional distress, which can indirectly help in managing OCD.
- Enhancing Treatment Compliance: Individuals with OCD who feel supported in their relationships may be more likely to adhere to individual OCD treatment plans, including medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
Closing thoughts about OCD and Relationship
It’s important to note that while EFT can improve the relationship dynamics that affect and are affected by OCD, it does not directly treat OCD symptoms. For direct treatment of OCD, evidence-based approaches such as CBT and ERP are recommended. Couples therapy, including EFT, can be a complementary approach to these treatments, especially for addressing the relational aspects of living with OCD.
The journey towards understanding and managing the relational impact of OCD is ongoing. As we continue to explore this intersection, the insights gained can guide more nuanced and effective approaches to support couples in strengthening their relationships in the face of OCD.
Feedback and dialogue on this topic of OCD in relationship are welcome. Please share your thoughts or experiences regarding the role of attachment theory in OCD treatment. For further discussion or inquiries, feel free to contact me at: con@erha-reno.com.
2025 Reno Couples Retreats- Agenda
Thank you for your interest in joining us! Specific dates for 2025 will be announced soon. Learn more about our couples retreat program here.
When:
Friday, 6:00 pm to 8:30 pm
Saturday, 8:30 am to 5:00 pm
Sunday, 10:00 am to 5:00 pm
(snacks and refreshments provided)
Where: Individual & Relationship Counseling Associates
403 Flint St. Reno, NV 89501
Cost: $825 per couple, includes book and all other print materials.
Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of the Hold Me Tight® couples retreat, speaking on Sex & Intimacy
“Harmony in Holiday Traditions”: Crafting Our Unique Traditions
As the festive season approaches, couples often find themselves navigating the complexities of blending traditions, managing expectations, and seeking meaningful ways to celebrate together. As an experienced Emotionally Focused Therapist, I learn so much about what works through what clients have shared the profound impact that creating and nurturing unique holiday traditions for couples can have on relationships.
The Significance of Shared Rituals in Relationships
Building Emotional Bonds through Traditions
Shared rituals and traditions are more than just ceremonial acts; they are the threads that weave the tapestry of our relationships. In the framework of attachment theory, these rituals act as anchors, providing emotional safety and a sense of belonging. Whether it’s cooking a special meal together or taking a yearly holiday photo, these acts create a shared narrative, a story uniquely yours.
Blending Cultural and Personal Values
In my practice, I’ve observed couples who successfully blend elements from their individual backgrounds, forming traditions that are rich in cultural and personal significance. For instance, a couple I worked with combined their Mexican and Polish heritages to create a ‘Pierogi and Tamales’ night every Christmas Eve, a beautiful fusion that honors both their backgrounds.
Steps to Creating Your Unique Holiday Traditions
Initiate Open and Honest Communication
Start by having open discussions about what the holidays mean to each of you. What are your fondest memories? What traditions do you hold dear? This conversation is not just about planning; it’s about understanding each other’s emotional landscape.
Collaborative Planning: Crafting Holiday Traditions for Couples, Together
Once you have shared your individual holiday desires and expectations, it’s time to co-create. Remember, the goal is not to replicate traditions exactly as they were, but to blend them into something that is uniquely ‘us’. For example, if one partner enjoys outdoor activities while the other prefers cozy indoor settings, you could plan a day that includes a morning hike followed by an evening by the fireplace.
Embracing Inclusivity and Mutual Respect
It’s vital to approach this process with a spirit of inclusivity and respect. Acknowledge that some traditions might need to be adapted or even set aside to create space for new ones. This doesn’t mean losing your identity; it’s about creating a shared identity as a couple.
Examples of Unique Celebration Rituals
Culinary Adventures: More Than Just Food
Cooking together is a fantastic way to bond. It’s not just about the food; it’s about the act of creation and sharing. Try incorporating dishes from each other’s childhoods into your holiday meals, or create a new dish together that becomes your annual special.
Crafting Memories: Beyond the Photo Album
Consider activities that allow you to create tangible memories. Here’s an idea I loved and learned from a couple I worked with recently: write letters to each other every New Year’s Eve and read them the following year. This ritual has become a cherished part of their holiday experience, offering a moment of reflection and connection. Another couple described an annual get-together with friends where they played favorite games they had, themselves received as childhood holiday gifts. It gets, they say, “pretty silly and becomes incredibly bonding and memorable.” I loved this one.
Mindfulness and Reflection: Deepening Your Emotional Connection
Mindfulness practices can be a wonderful addition to your holiday traditions. Something as simple as lighting a candle every night of the holiday season and sharing what you’re grateful for can deepen your connection and bring a sense of peace and reflection to your home.
Navigating Challenges in Creating Traditions
Managing Differences and Compromises
It’s natural to encounter differences in preferences and traditions. The key is to approach these differences with curiosity and compassion. Compromise does not mean giving up what’s important to you; it’s about finding balance and mutual satisfaction.
Adapting to Life’s Changes
Traditions, like relationships, need to evolve. Be open to adjusting your rituals as your relationship and life circumstances change. What works one year may not the next, and that’s okay. It’s the flexibility and willingness to grow together that strengthens your bond.
Read Pieces from Relationship Strengthening Texts and Articles
You’ll find additional information throughout the Blog posts on and pages of this website. Also, I recommend the works of Dr. Sue Johnson and of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. These brilliant authors offer inspiring and fortifying insights. Holding onto just a couple of ideas to focus on as the New Year starts can be a wonderful ritual.
Sustaining and Growing Your Traditions
Keeping Traditions Alive and Evolving
Revisit and reflect on your traditions annually. What worked well? What might you want to change? This ongoing dialogue ensures that your traditions remain meaningful and aligned with your current lives.
Extending Traditions to the Community
Some holiday traditions for couples can be extended to friends and family, strengthening your sense of community. Hosting a special holiday gathering or organizing a group activity can create shared joy and memories beyond your couplehood.
Year-Round Practices for a Lasting Bond
Finally, consider how the essence of these traditions can be integrated into your daily lives. This might mean setting aside time for regular check-ins or creating small daily rituals that reinforce your connection.
Conclusion
Crafting holiday traditions for couples is a journey of discovery, creativity, and deepening love. It’s about building something that is uniquely yours, a celebration that reflects who you are as a couple and what you aspire to be. As you embark on this journey, remember that the process itself is as important as the traditions you create. It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and connect in ways that are profound and lasting.
In this festive season and beyond, I encourage you to embrace the joy of creating and evolving your holiday traditions. May they bring you closer, fill your home with love, and create a tapestry of memories that you’ll cherish for years to come.
If you found this article helpful and would like to explore more about emotionally focused therapy or relationship strengthening, feel free to reach out for a consultation. Wishing you a season filled with joy, connection, and meaningful traditions.